Puppy Love

13 years ago, our family welcomed Copper (a Bichon Frise / Poodle mix) into our home. This week, we sadly and suddenly said good-bye to our family dog. As I reflect on his time with us, I realize he wasn’t a guide dog, yet he has helped me see life a little differently.

COPPER BOPPER
Working from home can be challenging because the office is only steps away from the family room and the kitchen table. I’m sure I’m not the only person to experience that dilemma. However, that’s where Copper comes in. Literally, he comes into my office with a ball, sets it at my feet, and goes into his “Let’s play” stance (leaning down on his front paws, butt in the air, tail wagging, and if I don’t respond soon enough, a playful yelp.).

I’d walk out of the office, ball in hand, and sit on the floor before I threw the ball to start our game. After five or ten minutes, he’d grow tired of fetch and jump up on the chair next to mine in the office, breath a satisfied sigh, and nap as I continued my work. While he played with each member of our family a little differently, he always had that playful puppy energy.

CURIOUS COPPER
Since I travel occasionally for work, it seems strange to me that he doesn’t leave the house too often. The only time he leaves the house is to go in the backyard or to go for a walk. Of course, there were times he’d go for a ride in the car, and he even went with us to visit many of the Arizona State Parks.

I remember our trip to Picacho Peak State Park. As we made our way up the trail, he walked ahead of our family leading the way, looking back once in a while to make sure we were still with him.

COPPER BEAR
Being a smaller dog, no more than 20 pounds, he was a great lap dog. He was cuddly like a teddy bear. He’d lie on the couch and rest his chin or his head on the leg of whomever was sitting closest to him. He liked to have the white spot on his chest gently rubbed or scratched.

To say he was affectionate would be an understatement. He seemed to know who needed him at any given moment. When I had my retina surgery a few years ago, I had to sleep face down for a month. At first he thought it was a game and would borough his face under my shoulder to try and lick my face. Eventually, he realized that wasn’t a good idea, and he’d lean up against me and sleep.

Dogs are called “Man’s best friend”, and I think I know why. The love of a dog is truly unconditional. Somehow, on the day we brought him into our home, he knew that’s where he belonged. As proof, we tried to go for a short walk that first afternoon. He planted his bottom on the walking path, and we actually pulled him the length of our neighbor’s yard. Realizing he didn’t want to go, we turned around, and he ran all the way back to our yard. Each day we’d try to go a little further, and after about a week, he began to realize that at the end of our walk, we’d always go home.

Even in the way he frolicked on his walks after that first week, he lived life to the full. Sitting on the couch alone today, I am starting to realize all he has taught me. Work is important. Yet, make time for play… and rest. Explore opportunities like each is an adventure. Yet, don’t lose sight of those closest to you along the way. Learn the specific needs of each member of your family. Yet, be willing to grant a little independence too. Love unconditionally, and make home a place where everyone runs back to because they always feel welcome.

When Copper was younger, I thought his personality would make him a great therapy dog. Though we never pursued that, I had no idea of the impact he would have in our home and in our lives. He will always be a special part of our family. To anyone with a family dog, you know the power of “Puppy Love”.

Tis The Season

“Tis the season”, the song proclaims, “To be jolly”. However, this year I feel like I could rewrite this holiday favorite. “Tis the season… to be angry”.

Is it just me, or do most people seem a little less patient and little ruder this holiday season? It makes me want to sing, “Ruder the red nosed shopper”. Yet, it’s not just holiday shoppers in the stores, restaurants, or parking lots. It’s the employees too. Like an old holiday candle, everyone seems to have a short wick this year.

I realize that this can be a difficult time of year for those who struggle with the loss of a family member or friend because the holidays amplify that loss. That sadness is normal. What I’m seeing and hearing isn’t sadness, its anger and frustration.

A few days ago, I walked into a donut shop and asked to speak to the manager. The woman at the counter walked in back, and I actually heard the conversation. What some people may not realize is that while I don’t see well, I’ve worked on my hearing and listening.

WOMAN (in the kitchen, to the manager): “Hey, there’s a guy out there who wants to speak to a manager.”

MANAGER (with a very loud sigh) “OK”.

As she walked to register where I was standing, I could feel the tension. Since I’m working on paying more attention to facial expressions (others’ and mine), I smiled the biggest smile I could and tried to reassure her that this was not going to be a bad conversation.

ME (smiling like Buddy the Elf): “Hi, first of all, everything is fine. I’m not here to complain.”

Her shoulders dropped, and the stern look on her face began to turn to a slight smile. I continued.

ME: “I actually have a very strange question. I’m a corporate trainer. I create videos for a bunch of trainers across the U.S. and Canada. I’m wondering… would it be possible for me to shoot a short video in your store?”

MANAGER (letting out an awkward yet relieved laugh): “Oh, that’s cool. Unfortunately, I can’t make that decision. You’ll need to call my district manager for approval.”

She wrote down a name and phone number on a business card and handed it to me. As I walked out, I reflected on her original reaction when she was back in the kitchen. I then began to think about other stories I’ve heard this holiday season of how a driver looking for a parking space yelled at people talking by their cars because they were, in his words, “Hogging all the good spaces”. Another driver yelled because a shopper returning a cart from the parking lot, “Almost hit his truck”. In still another situation, a department store manager started yelling at a cashier because none of the cashiers knew how to handle accepting a check at the register.

The reality is that we let our expectations of the “Perfect” holiday, or the “Perfect” gift, turn us into the Grinch. Take the perfect gift for example:

It’s not too expensive
Yes, money, or the lack of it, this time of year stresses people out. There was a story on the news the other day that said most people budget for holiday gifts, yet they usually go over budget year after year.

It fits
When it comes to clothing, this feature becomes extremely important. Besides, if you buy an item that’s too big, you may insult that person (but 100% cotton items really do shrink). It also needs to fit that person’s personality. Ask yourself, “Would the person I’m buying for actually wear this?”

It’s just what they want
Sometimes we buy gifts because we like them instead of thinking about what the other person will like. If you simply listen more closely, most people you shop for will share with you what they really want throughout the year. This has helped me shop very successfully for my wife Barb.

It’s exactly what they need
Socks are a perfect example, and, ironically, they make a great stocking stuffer. If I find a pair of Wizard of Oz socks for example, I know Barb will like them, she usually wears socks, and socks wear out. Sometimes other people don’t realize what they really “need” because they’re in the situation rather than objectively watching it from the outside.

What if I tell you that there is one “Perfect” gift? It won’t cost you any money. It always fits no matter the situation. Everyone wants to receive it, and I assure you, everyone needs it. That gift is… kindness. We all expect it, yet it seems so difficult to give.

To make it easier, become selfish and selfless at the same time. I know that sounds strange, but think about it. How do you feel when someone is kind to you? Why not help others feel that same warmth too? The best part is that this “Season of Kindness” can last all year if each of us is willing to give it abundantly.

Building a Home – Part 5

We’ve lived in Arizona for almost two decades. We’ve been in the same house, a house we built, for that entire time. While we made choices about the structure, the layout, and the interior and exterior options, our house is… just a house. What makes a house a home is what happens on the inside. This is the fifth of 5 blogs in a series called “Building a Home”.

Part 5 = JOY

If I asked you to describe “Joy” in one sentence (without using Google), how would you describe it? My next question is… have you ever been accused of “stealing someone’s joy” or “sucking the joy out of a room”? I’ve had such comments directed at me in the past. If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of those comments, you too know they can sting a little. Allowing others to define who we are can be a very limiting experience. What makes it so limiting, is how we choose to respond.

T. D. Jakes says, “It’s not the words we hear that destroy us. It’s the words we believe”.

That got me thinking about what people say. Unfortunately, many people are quick to judge and criticize, yet they’re usually the same people who refuse to accept feedback, no matter how true it is. Their judgment of others is typically based on that other person’s behavior, not his or her feelings. “Joy” is a feeling… an emotion. No matter how we look on the outside, we all have emotions on the inside.

Most emotions are based on responses to events or circumstances, but “Joy”… “Joy” is different. True joy is a choice you make regardless of the situation. I realize how crazy that sounds. However, in more ways than I can describe, I have learned that truth.

Take my vision for example. I could choose to be miserable, sit at home on the couch, collect disability, and think, “Oh, poor me… too bad I can’t see well, or drive, or…” However, I find “Joy” in my life instead. I love my family, my work, my friends, my hobbies, even though at times things are challenging for me.

For example, navigating airports can be a challenge. Yet, I’ve decided to treat it like a game. I may play, “Guess which Gate” to try and figure out where exactly my gate is from the security check point without asking for assistance (Of course, I need to win that game or I’ll miss my flight.). “Follow the Family” gives me a chance to find the right baggage carousel by following a family that also just got off the same plane I was on (Of course, that may mean a few stops along the way).

Is your home a place of joy? I encourage you to ask each person in your household to define “Joy”. Next, pay attention to which emotions are being expressed at home. Also, consider when and why those emotions are being expressed. I’m not suggesting for a moment that your home should be like Disneyland (the happiest place on earth). Life can be an emotional roller coaster of highs and lows based on events and unexpected situations that can bend our emotional resolve. It’s normal to feel different emotions at different times. Once you understand your own emotions, you can focus more on how the people around you are feeling – good or bad. Then, you are better equipped to help them handle what’s going on.

There are those who adopt the “victim” mentality in life. They are the same people who will blame you for robbing them of their joy. Based on some recent medical experiences, I’ve had the rare opportunity to watch others handle unthinkable circumstances with grace and… joy. They aren’t blaming anyone for taking their joy. Instead they’re choosing to find joy where they are.

The other observation I’ve made is that joy isn’t a “one-size-fits-all” emotion. Joy doesn’t always need to be expressed in pure delight or exuberance – though it can. Sometimes joy can be equally, if not more, powerful when expressed as being pleased or content.

After much thought and consideration, I am choosing not to let my past accusers define who I am. Besides, they missed the key to joy anyway. No one can give it to you or take it from you. The absence of joy is bitterness. The presence of joy helps each of us to see our family, friends, co-workers, and the situations in our own lives in a positive light. First, in the comfort of your own home, find your joy. Then, expand your reach and share that joy by helping others to find theirs.

Building a Home – Part 4

We’ve lived in Arizona for almost two decades. We’ve been in the same house, a house we built, for that entire time. While we made choices about the structure, the layout, and the interior and exterior options, our house is… just a house. What makes a house a home is what happens on the inside. This is the fourth of 5 blogs in a series called “Building a Home”.

Part 4 = PEACE

There was a story in the news the other day that talked about companies “requiring” their employees to take vacation. Yup, they said it was mandatory not only to take time off, but to “unplug” from work… no phone… no email… no project work. As I watched the story, I thought, “Hey, peace and quiet. What a great idea for a blog.” Who doesn’t enjoy some peace and quiet at home?

However, as I began to think about this weekend, and the significance of Memorial Day here in the U.S., I realized there is an entirely different kind of peace to be considered. I’m thankful to all of our service men and women who sacrifice so much, and in some cases have made the ultimate sacrifice, to defend our country.

It is difficult to think about peace without also thinking about war. Peace is the absence of war, yet there have been times throughout history when war became necessary to ensure peace. However, there is a difference between peace in the world and peace in our homes. When we think of the words “War” or “Fight”, we think about an enemy, and that limits our ability to ensure peace in our own homes. The challenge we face is to look at peace differently.

We don’t want enemies in our own homes. If we view our spouse, our kids, our siblings, or even our parents as enemies; when there is conflict, disagreement, or tension, we become defensive and want to win. This puts us in the mindset of fighting against the people we care about most.

What if, instead of focusing on war, we choose to focus on peace? Rather than fighting against those closest to us, what if we decided to fight for them?

For example, when people argue, their entire focus is to make and prove their point – that they’re “right”. What if we choose to have a discussion instead? Of course, this would involve really listening to the other person, and letting them finish sharing their point before you share yours. It would become less about winning and more about understanding.

Another typical situation involves tearing each other down through jokes, comments, or insults. You may be thinking, “Hey, Jim, that’s just called DINNER at my house.” It may seem harmless and funny, yet there is something to be said for .., “If you hear it enough, you begin to believe it.” What if we choose to offer encouragement or balanced feedback instead? In some cases, you may even want to give advice. That’s OK, but I’d suggest first asking if the person even wants your advice. The truth is that sometimes they just need someone to listen. This gives them the opportunity to talk about what’s going on and maybe even vent. While venting may seem pointless, it allows for the emotion to be expressed and acknowledged so that the real issue can then be discussed.

It’s also important to recognize that not everyone in your house enjoys the same things, and that’s OK. A colleague of mine says, “Different isn’t wrong, it’s just… different”. Individual needs and wants are not worth fighting about, yet they are worth fighting for. If you seek more social time or more quiet time, speak up. For example, I know my wife enjoys a quiet night at home just watching movies and relaxing. She knows that I love entertaining. The more people we have over for dinner, the more fun it is for me. Well, it’s actually fun for both of us because I love to cook and Barb loves to clean (I guess opposites really do attract).

Is your home a place of peace? If you’re not sure, take some time to quietly watch what’s happening in your home. Do you have more discussions than arguments? Do you find yourself giving, and maybe sometimes seeking, advice or guidance? Do you know enough about each other to truly understand and help meet the needs and wants of those in your own home?

There is much criticism about the divisions that exist in our own country. The news is filled with stories about disagreements and fighting and who’s right and what’s wrong. It doesn’t reflect well on a country founded on the rights and freedoms that the men and women of our military fight for every day.

To show our respect, we can start by respecting each other. If we want to be united, we need to first ensure peace in our homes. Then, let that peace follow us to school, work, and everywhere else we can have an impact.

Building a Home – Part 3

We’ve lived in Arizona for almost two decades. We’ve been in the same house, a house we built, for that entire time. While we made choices about the structure, the layout, and the interior and exterior options, our house is… just a house. What makes a house a home is what happens on the inside. This is the third of 5 blogs in a series called “Building a Home”.

Part 3 = SECURITY

When we welcomed our family dog into our home years ago, we decided to crate train him. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Copper was a puppy, and most puppies like to chew and explore and chew some more. When no one was home, or when everyone was headed to bed for the night, he’d go into his crate. The plan worked well until I went on a business trip.

When I got back, everything seemed fine, until it was time to go to sleep. My wife lifted Copper onto our bed as he was still too little to jump up there by himself. Then, my wife slowly broke the news.

BARB: (hesitantly) “While you were on your trip, Copper whined a lot… at night.

ME: “I know, he’s a puppy. They do that.”

BARB: “Well, one night I brought him up on the bed, and he fell asleep just lying next to me.”

ME: (Not realizing what was about to happen) “That’s so cool.”

BARB: “I was hoping you’d say that… because he’s been sleeping on our bed the last few nights.”

ME: “What!? What happened to all that crate training?”

Barb explained that he’d still be in his crate during the day, but he’d sleep with us at night. I agreed to let him sleep on the bed as long as he actually slept… and he did. It made sense because he felt safe.

When we’d go to work during the day, he would go in his crate because he felt safe there too. This arrangement worked very well. However, a few years ago, we tried to un-crate train him. We hid the crate, closed all the doors, and went for a quick trip to the store. When we returned, he was shaking like a leaf. He was scared and upset, but why? Our vet said that we took away his safe place… his crate. We decided not to pursue the un-crate training any further.

Fast forward to this week. I came home from a trip, and Barb told me that she and our son Nick had successfully un-crate trained Copper. While I was very surprised, I wondered what they had done differently this time.

Basically, when they leave, they put him in his crate, but they leave the door open. Each day they’d leave that door open a little further… until one day Barb came home and found Copper sleeping on our bed. Each day they’d find blankets moved or fluffed up, pillows rearranged, and food and water consumed. It was obvious that he was becoming comfortable with his new freedom inside the house.

That’s when it hit me. In these days of security systems, surveillance cameras, multiple locks, and everything else designed to keep people out, what really helps people feel safe is how they feel inside the space. There are times when we’re home and Copper will still go into his crate to nap or just hang out, but he’s been with us for so many years that he simply feels safe in our home. Yes, I know, he’s a dog. However, feeling safe in your own home is something every family member in that home should feel too.

Do your kids feel safe expressing their opinions in your home… even if your opinion is different? Do your kids feel safe talking to you about life and what’s going on in their world… no matter how different it is from the world you knew at their age? Does everyone living in your home feel they can try something new… even if they aren’t successful? The basic question is how safe does your own family feel inside your home?

If you spend all of your time and energy focused on locking everyone out, eventually you’ll get the result you’ve created. You’ll be alone in an empty house. Instead, open the dialog, have more conversations, and find ways to make your home a safe place on the inside. As parents, one of our jobs is to protect our children. That’s a fantastic goal. However, if that protection becomes a barrier (like locking our puppy in that crate) we may be limiting independence and the opportunity for success.

Is your home a safe place? If you’re not sure, take some time to notice the kinds of conversations and activities happening inside your home. Do you talk to each other about important issues? If your kids are older and on their own, do they still call or come by to visit? If your kids are younger, do they hang out at home, and do their friends want to hang out at your house too?

Even as life and the world around us continues to change, I’m grateful to Copper for reminding me that sometimes safety isn’t about protecting us from what scares us, but rather about helping us to confront it and find a way through it. Being in a comfortable environment with people who genuinely care about us is the best way to feel safe while at home, and when the door is left open to explore beyond our comfort zone, we each have a clear opportunity to confidently strive for success.

Building a Home – Part 2

We’ve lived in Arizona for almost two decades. We’ve been in the same house, a house we built, for that entire time. While we made choices about the structure, the layout, and the interior and exterior options, our house is… just a house. What makes a house a home is what happens on the inside. This is the second of 5 blogs in a series called “Building a Home”.

Part 2 = REST

Have you ever taken a road trip, even a short one? While I don’t drive due to my limited vision, I spend a lot of time riding shotgun (and ironically I’m a solid navigator as well). Whenever I travel, other people are doing all the driving, and that takes lots of focus. Finding a place to rest, even if only for a few minutes, is important.

On a road trip, as in life, we can all use a little rest and relaxation. No matter who you are, or how you choose to spend your time, be sure to take breaks. Think of them as life’s rest stops. For example, the town of Sedona, Arizona is about a 2 hour ride from our house. We’ve made that trip with my parents for an early Christmas. We’ve gone up to shop, eat, and spend time with friends. We did one of those Pink Jeep tours with our kids and Barb’s parents. Once we went up as a couple when I officiated an outdoor wedding. Each trip provided unique memories. However, there was one place that I remember from just about every trip.

Sunset Point Rest Area off the I-17 in Congress, Arizona is perfectly placed. It’s about the halfway point on the way to Sedona, so it’s a great place to stop. Sure, it’s got restrooms and vending machines, but it’s also got an accurate sun dial and a great view of the sunset if you arrive in the late afternoon. Taking a few minutes free from the stress of traffic will help any driver to relax. Sitting on a park bench watching the sun set is more relaxing than sitting in traffic. Sharing a conversation where you can actually look at the people you’re talking to and really focus on them. That might help you relax too.

You’re probably wondering, “How can I rest when life is so busy?” When my work plate is full, I can be heard saying, “There just aren’t enough hours in a day”. Have you ever said that? If we’re being honest, each of us has probably uttered that phrase at least a few times. However, the truth is, we need to remind ourselves not to spend all of those hours working. If we define ourselves by the work we do, we tend to force ourselves to get more done each day. By limiting ourselves to work goals, we set ourselves up for regret later in life. Yes, work is important, and the more you enjoy your work, the more meaningful it becomes. Remember, work is only one part of who we are. Consider setting some personal goals too.

Later in life, have you ever heard someone say they wish they’d spent more time at work? Me neither. Growing up, I remember having chores, but they didn’t take up all of my time at home. As parents, Barb and I have given our kids chores, but like our own experiences they didn’t take up every hour of every day. In fact, we even gave our kids choices of which chores they’d like to tackle. It’s no surprise that they chose tasks they enjoyed. That same focus helped to drive their professional and personal goals too.

When you aren’t at work, at school, or taking care of responsibilities at home, is your home a place of rest? Maybe before you answer that, I need to define what that really means. Rest means providing a place that is free from the stresses of work or school or life. Rest allows for true relaxation. That doesn’t mean spending the entire day in a recliner… though for some it could because the solitude of that quiet time alone can be very relaxing. For others, rest includes enjoying a hobby, meeting up with friends, or spending some time as a couple or as a family.

Ironically, Barb just finished her spring break. The week was so busy that some might question if it was really a break at all. Yes, it was a break… a break from the daily routine, maybe a day (or two) to sleep in, but most of all, lots of little opportunities to rest. You don’t need to be on a road trip to take a break, to find rest from your routine. Choose to make your home a great rest area.

Building a Home – Part 1

We’ve lived in Arizona for almost two decades. We’ve been in the same house, a house we built, for that entire time. While we made choices about the structure, the layout, and the interior and exterior options, our house is… just a house. What makes a house a home is what happens on the inside. This is the first of 5 blogs in a series called “Building a Home”.

Part 1 = LOVE

A few nights ago, I was home alone working in my office, when – all of a sudden – I heard what sounded like a car crashing through my garage door. The dog and I looked at each other like.., “What was that?” I actually called the police (OK, I’ll wait to continue until you stop laughing), but if you know me, you know one thing for sure, I wasn’t going out there alone (and neither was the dog).

The police observed our neighborhood, and then we inspected the outside of the garage door together. Everything looked fine – normal. Then the officers suggested that we go inside the garage to see if something fell or broke. Just to be safe, we entered the garage through the house instead of opening the door from outside. Once inside the garage, one of the officers noticed that a garage door spring had broken. He said, “I’ve heard that when those springs break, it sounds like a gun shot.”

Well, actually, it sounds like a car crashing through the garage door… which explains why I wasn’t going out there alone. It’s interesting to me how things can look so normal on the outside, yet the brittle nature of what’s happening on the inside can cause such damage. My wife Barb and I joke about how things just aren’t built to last. It’s been years since we’ve had any trouble with that garage door. It went about its daily routine until one day – BAM!

With social media providing the “Perfect” highlight reel (because no one really wants to share their bad news), we develop unrealistic expectations of how everything is “Supposed” to be. That can cause us to change or limit our behavior. Remember the Forrest Gump quote, “Life is like a box of chocolates… because you never know what you’re going to get”? Thankfully, love is not like a box of chocolates.., or is it?

Imagine giving your special someone a box of chocolates from last year. First of all, the expiration date alone would drive me crazy! Then, there is the condition of the chocolate inside the box. Is it fresh and soft, or is it stale and brittle? In much the same way, that is how love can feel in our own homes if we don’t put in the effort with our spouse or our kids.

Thankfully, love is a choice. In the Bible, 1 Corinthians 13, verses 4 through 7, tell us what love is and what love is not.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

What I find so interesting is that each description, each action, is a choice. Not a circumstance… not a situation, not a result, but an unconditional conscious choice. This is especially true of the behaviors talked about in a positive light… reminding us about what love “is”.

In our own homes, we could all be a little more patient, a little more kind, celebrate the truth, protect each other, trust each other, hope for the best in each other, and persevere as a family.

That brittle garage door spring resulted in a new garage door because the old door was cracked and damaged. The events of this week also gave me an opportunity to look at things differently. Thankfully, there wasn’t a car or a family member in the path when that spring broke. Maybe love is like a fresh box of chocolates, but not because of what we’re going to get. It’s about what we choose to give from within that truly matters.

Sailing The 7 C’s = Part 7

This is the seventh of 7 blogs, each exploring a different element of a successful marriage. Each of these blogs will include a biblical reference followed by a comparison between the elements of marriage and the components of a sailboat. Each element also begins with the letter “C” resulting in the name for this blog series.

Part 7: CHRIST (The Flag)

“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.
Matthew 5:14-16

As ships pass, the ensign flag identifies at a glance to which country they belong. As others observe how you handle things together in your marriage, let them see that you belong not to a country, but to Christ. With Jesus in the center of your marriage, people will be drawn to you as they strive to find what you have. Your loving marriage will be a testimony to your trust in the love and provisions of God.

Recently as I entered a building at work, a coworker was briskly passing on his way out. I quickly spun around, grabbed the door, and held it open for him. As he went through the door, he asked, “Why is it that you Christians are always so nice to people for about a month every year?”

He didn’t wait for an answer, but hurried on his way. As I slowly closed the door I began to think about his question. Knowing who he is, he was probably being sarcastic, but is there some truth to his observation? Could it be that Christmas… this once a year holiday season… inspires people to be nicer to each other… with all that “Peace on Earth” and “Good will toward men”… at least for a little while?

As I struggled to find just the right scripture for this blog, it’s no surprise that it came to me while in church last Sunday. The pastor actually said, “Jesus isn’t the reason for the season, the darkness in the world is the reason for Christ”.

Immediately my mind went back to Hayward, Wisconsin almost 20 years ago. It was about 11 PM, and I remember standing on a pier looking up at the clear night sky. Usually, due to my vision, I can count a hand full of stars. However, that night and in that location it was so dark that I could see a hazy white band of stars stretched across the sky from one end to the other. I lost count of how many stars I saw that night.

I thought about the darkness, and the contrast of so much light. Then that made me think about Christmas lights. Having gone through a drive thru Christmas light display earlier this week, I don’t recall seeing any lights representing Christ. There were snowmen, trees, presents, snowflakes, and so many other traditional Christmas items represented, but no Jesus. Then it hit me. How many people say they’re Christians, but that’s not what their light represents?

Maybe they hide it. That would be like me leaving the 10 strands of lights for the tree in the box in which they came. Maybe they’re more private about their faith. That would be like weaving the strands of lights through the hotel lobby sized Christmas tree in our living room, and never plugging them in.

Letting your light shine starts within your marriage relationship. Make plans to study, pray, and worship individually and together. Consider ways you can become involved in a local church. Also, find time to spend with family, friends, and co-workers. Find ways to get involved outside of church too. That might sound strange, but if you spend almost every day at church, it’s like staying in the harbor. No one really notices your flag because everyone’s got the same flag. People we meet outside of a church setting may fly a different flag, or perhaps… no flag at all.

One of my favorite church services is a late night candle light service. What I really like is that it starts in total darkness with one candle. Then, that one candle helps light the next until every candle in the room is lit. It’s amazing how much light that creates.

In much the same way, you can shine your light for your spouse, help him or her discover ways to let his or her light shine, and let those around you see that you belong to Christ. However, it’s not about what you do, but rather that you do… take every opportunity to help others see the light through the darkness. Don’t limit your light to the once a year temporary holiday light display.

Sailing The 7 C’s = Part 6

This is the sixth of 7 blogs, each exploring a different element of a successful marriage. Each of these blogs will include a biblical reference that you can look up on your own followed by a comparison between the elements of marriage and the components of a sailboat. Each element also begins with the letter “C” resulting in the name for this blog series.

Part 6: COMPROMISE (The Boom)

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Notice that the boom can move in both directions. Sometimes the center works, but at other times, moving the boom to one side or the other is necessary to continue on course. In your relationship, you can navigate a steady course by being willing to move a little, or maybe a lot in some cases. Rest assured, you are not giving in or giving up, you are working together.

I love how God tells us through the Bible, “Here’s what I DON’T want you to do, and here’s what I DO want you to do”. When talking about how to love each other, I have rarely attended or conducted a wedding where 1 Corinthians 13 wasn’t quoted at least once. This chapter of the Bible is a perfect description of God’s desire for us and how to get along in our marriages.

Compromise doesn’t mean selling out or giving up. It means working together to reach a decision or conclusion. Yet, the way we speak to each other as husband and wife is usually dictated by what’s going on at the time. When things are going well, it’s easy to be patient and kind. However, when we don’t like how things are going, or we don’t agree with what is happening, do we honor God by putting 1 Corinthians 13 to work, or do we let the heat of the moment ruin an opportunity to persevere? In other words, do we argue, or do we disagree?

When we argue, our goal is to “win”, to change the other person’s mind so they see things our way, and we gain control of the situation. However, this “victory” comes at a high price. By venting, our words become harsh. Waiting to bring issues to the table just amplifies feelings and emotions. Digging up past issues as ammunition will cause even more confusion and anger, leading to future battles. Finally, leaving the issue unresolved doesn’t delay victory, it ensures defeat.

Rather than “fight to be right”, it’s more important to “be clear and persevere”. Accept the fact that you will disagree from time to time. It’s OK to explore a difference of opinion on an issue. After all, you are individuals, with different opinions. Think about it, you are very different than your spouse. It’s your differences that create your strength as a couple. You each bring important elements to the relationship. When you disagree, your goal is to understand each other.

When you disagree, be gentle with your words. The entire conversation will take a different feel. Take the opportunity to work through an issue before it gets out of hand by quickly bringing it to the table. Be sure to focus on one issue at a time. Don’t try to bring symptoms, consequences, or other issues into the conversation. That just muddies the water. Finally, be prepared to forgive each other for any behavior or misunderstanding that caused the disagreement in the first place.

Successful compromise involves understanding your spouse’s position, being open to your spouse’s suggestions, being willing to move a little, and having the “patience” to “persevere”.

Sailing The 7 C’s = Part 5

This is the fifth of 7 blogs, each exploring a different element of a successful marriage. Each of these blogs will include a biblical reference that you can look up on your own followed by a comparison between the elements of marriage and the components of a sailboat. Each element also begins with the letter “C” resulting in the name for this blog series.

Part 5: CASH (The Sail)

“Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this,” says the Lord Almighty, “and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it.”
Malachi 3:10

There are times when conditions require trimming the sail, and at other times, you can let it out full and race through the water. In marriage, you share that sail. It helps move you along, but it’s only one piece of the overall picture.

To clarify, “Blessing” in the scripture reference above may not have anything to do with money. There are so many other ways we may be blessed in our lives. However, some people may misinterpret this reference and think, “If I give, I’ll get something” or “The more I give, the more I’ll get”, but that’s not really the point of the verse. It’s really more about being disciplined with your money and other talents and resources.

My Dad helped me experience that when Barb and I got engaged. He told me that if I saved my money, he’d let me live at home rent free until Barb and I were married. That arrangement worked out very well. We paid off our student loans, her car, and any other outstanding bills. The result: We were debt free on our wedding day. Jokingly, I say we’ve been in debt ever since because sometimes bills can make it feel that way, but we are very aware of where the money goes.

When we were first married, we’d run errands on Saturday mornings. We’d stop at the bank, grab some cash, and begin our day. As we arrived back home, I’d look at how much cash was left and ask, “Where did it go?” We’d then spend the next few minutes accounting for every dollar. I still find great joy in knowing where our money goes.

The best way to know where your money goes is to create a BUDGET. I’d suggest taking 3 months and documenting every spending item no matter how large or small. Once you’ve done that, begin to categorize how you spend your money. Then, you can take a monthly average, and you’ll have a starting point for your budget. Your B.U.D.G.E.T. could include the following categories:

B=Bills
This category is for monthly or annual expenses that must be paid to maintain those items. Some items in this category include: Mortgage/Rent, Health Care, Utilities, Cars, and Phones.

U=Unavailable
This category is for monthly or annual giving, investing, and saving. I’d encourage you to put 30% of your income in this category allowing for 10% in each of the 3 areas.

D=Debt
This category is for lines of credit, loans, or payment plans not associated with items in the Bills category. Some items may include credit cards, a second mortgage, and student loans. One note about credit cards: If you use a credit card for monthly expenses and pay the balance in full each month, that card doesn’t belong in this category because it’s like you used cash.

G=Groceries
This category is for daily, weekly, or monthly consumables and personal care products. These items include food, pet supplies, and toiletries to name a few.

E=Extras
This category is for daily, weekly, or monthly items that may not be necessary on a regular basis. Some of these items include entertainment, dining out, home furnishings, and gifts.

T=Take Home Pay
This category is not about what you spend, but rather about what you earn. Once taxes are deducted from your pay, the portion you actually take home is the amount used to calculate your budget because it’s truly the amount you have available for use.

To balance your BUDGET, subtract your total expenses (B, U, D, G, and E) from your total take home income (T). The ideal budget would leave you with a zero balance. However, if you have a little extra remaining cash, consider leaving it where it is in case you experience a slight budget overage the next month. For the first year, keeping that remaining cash available for overages is a good idea because your budget may fluctuate as the year progresses. However, after one year, adjust your budget for the following year. If you find you still have extra remaining cash, begin adding it to “U” or “D”.

Contact me if you’d like a detailed spreadsheet to help you get started. I encourage you and your spouse to begin the BUDGET process. The effort you put into being disciplined with your money will result in greater peace in your marriage and in your life, and that peace in itself is a tremendous blessing.