Yes, it’s been almost a year since I wrote “The SPECIAL … Series” where each blog explored a different element of Special Education. Yet, after much observation, insights from teachers, and conversations with parents and students, I feel the need to add one more segment to this series of blogs.

Part 5: The SPECIAL Treatment

When I was in school, yes… decades ago, the term “Special Education” meant that students with physical or mental conditions that created challenges to learning in a typical classroom environment could receive assistance with their educational needs. Blind students could receive Braille books and a Braille typewriter to complete their work. Deaf students could have interpreters with them as they attended regular classes. Wheelchair bound students could have an assistant or even a peer volunteer to help them navigate the campus. Students with mental or emotional learning disabilities that caused them to read, write, or process information more slowly had opportunities to meet with Special Ed teachers at specific times during the school day to receive assistance and guidance.

My goal as I made my way through school was to eventually go to college, get a job, and become a part of the “normal” work force. There were times in grade school, high school, and even college that I needed assistance. Our Special Education system provided me with tools, resources, staff, and most importantly opportunities to learn and thrive in a normal classroom environment. After all, if I expected to get a job, I’d need to adapt to my environment, not the other way around.

We moved from keeping the special needs kids in separate classrooms and schools (which I actually experienced in kindergarten and first grade) to helping them succeed in the main stream (which describes the rest of my elementary, high school, and college experience). However, this pendulum has now moved even further so that the “normal” kids are the ones struggling to receive a meaningful education because there seems to be a special needs epidemic. Unfortunately, there are so many physical, mental, and emotional conditions that may hinder a student’s ability to learn at an average pace, and it is those students for whom Special Education is intended. However, it seems that now even students who exhibit defiant behavior are considered special needs students.

This shift has caused teachers to focus on redirecting students who choose to act out, and the students who truly want to learn are being ignored in the classroom. My own son asked my why the kids who get in trouble are often rewarded for doing one thing right, while the kids working hard to consistently succeed are treated as if their success doesn’t even matter. Sadly, it seems we’ve moved from Special Education to Special Treatment. This is a cultural norm that will not sustain itself beyond the classroom.

Let’s say you go to work, and your boss asks you to complete a project. Instead of working on the project, you yell at your boss, or start throwing office furniture, or you just decide to ignore the request and walk away, the only redirection you’ll probably receive is to HR for your exit interview. That kind of behavior won’t receive special treatment in “the real world”, so why does it in our schools?

The most common answer I hear is that we need to accommodate the special needs of each student. Notice how that statement has changed from the original intent of Special Education? Professionally speaking, there are laws in place to assist workers with “special needs” by providing “reasonable accommodations”. For example, with my limited vision, the training company I work for has supplied me with a larger monitor and an awesome large print back lit keyboard to help me navigate the virtual classroom more easily. That’s reasonable.

In the workplace, and in the schools, I realize there are some less obvious “special needs” situations. For example, emotional disorders and the wide range of the autism spectrum have introduced some new challenges with regard to Special Education. In addition to physical challenges, there are new social challenges to navigate. If a student is less comfortable speaking in front of a group, maybe a written report is better suited for them. Considering most people have a fear of public speaking anyway, why force it upon those who may be more comfortable and more talented in other areas?

Since we seem to be moving from Special Education to Special Treatment, maybe if we “treated” education more like training, things would be different. In training we provide opportunities for learners to choose different activities, scenarios, seating arrangements, and so many other options to customize their learning. This creates a greater level of buy in as well as a higher level of engagement. If a student is disruptive, we handle the situation with something called low level intervention. Barely noticeable to the other students, it will resolve most behavioral disruptions during training without derailing the entire group.

However, there are times when we need to use high level intervention which involves a conversation and the outlining of consequences for choosing to continue being disruptive. The end result is either changed behavior or the removal of the student from that learning environment. The reality is that every student… child or adult… special needs or not… is capable of success, but they’ve got to put in the effort too. Instead of pushing so hard to widen the definition of special education, what if we made a stronger effort to make education special for every child? Parents, teachers, administrators, and yes even students, what will you do to help make education special?

This is the third in a 3 part series about being bullied. I’m not sharing these stories to humiliate nor inspire any bullies. I want to raise awareness about what is really going on in our schools, in the workplace, and on the internet in an effort to reduce bullying in those environments.

In each blog, I’ll identify:
• The different types of bullies
• Steps you can take to minimize the risk of being bullied
• How to overcome the feelings and emotions that result from being bullied

Part 3: THE CYBER BULLY

Cyber bullying is most common among teenagers. However, I am aware of adults who have also been targeted. As I began to uncover the statistics, I was saddened to find that almost half of all teenagers using technology to access email, chat rooms, and social media sites have been targeted at least once by a cyber bully. Just like classroom and corporate bullying, most witnesses remain silent because they don’t want to attract the attention of the bully and become a target too. I have observed three types of cyber bullies.

The Physical Bully
Yes, even in the virtual world, these bullies still exist. While adults are targeted by other adults, the majority of this activity involves students. I’d compare the internet to a school yard playground. Social media sites, chat rooms, and first person simulation games have become a technology-based playground. Within these environments, there are those who threaten physical harm. This is so common that nearly 160,000 kids stay home from school each day for fear of threatened physical abuse. In some cases, the situation is so uncomfortable that the students elect a home school option instead to avoid future physical confrontations.

The Social Bully
The cyber environment is filled with social media sites, gaming sites, dating sites, special interest chat rooms, and so many other opportunities to engage socially. Social bullying seems to be the most common form of cyber bullying because there is the advantage of anonymity. Spreading rumors, making rude comments, and sharing inappropriate photos or videos become very easy when the bully can hide behind a Wi-Fi wall. Even when identified, the cyber bully feels confident because there is no physical proximity to the target. Once posted, the rumors, comments, and images can be saved, printed, or downloaded. This allows the bullying to continue even after such posts have been removed from their original on-line location.

The Behind-the-Scenes Bully
This bully has the ability to hide behind a disguise. Pretending to be your friend, creating a fictitious identity, or pretending to be you are the most common weapons this bully has. For example, this person may request your friendship on Facebook, and then criticize you or bash a group you are associated with as they post on your page or in replies to your posts. Race, religion, and sexual orientation seem to be three common areas of attack.

In a society where anyone can be a YouTube sensation, some cyber bullies post rant videos. Others create fictitious identities on a social media site, and then begin to bully their targets. In some cases, a bully may pretend to be the person he or she is bullying in an effort to say or share hurtful things to damage that person’s reputation or relationships.
The one balancing force to this behind-the-scenes bullying is that many law enforcement agencies now have a cyber-crime division. Sometimes the “good guys” even pose as teens to track down bullies and other suspected criminals. Yes, I said criminals. While it’s not a federal law yet, some states in the U.S. have already passed laws making cyber bullying a crime punishable by fine or jail time.

Cyber bullying is tolerated because most people are fearful of becoming a target if they step forward. One of the best ways to reduce cyber bullying is to become a MOUSE (notice… I didn’t say “be quiet like a mouse”).
M=Monitor Activity: Parents, if you allow your kids to have social media accounts, create a rule that they must include you as a friend. This will help you as a parent to be aware of the activity in which your child or teen is involved. Many kids have their own smart phones, laptops, or tablets. As a parent, it’s your responsibility to monitor those devices too. Become comfortable talking with your kids about their use of technology, how it’s not really “Private”, and any information they share electronically is permanent. Even if they delete it, someone else may have already saved or shared it.
O=Offer Help: If you are aware of a cyber bully, try to find ways to help him or her based on the current situation. The reality is that the bully may be acting that way because he or she too is being bullied. Use discretion to avoid embarrassing the bully. Besides, you don’t want to escalate the situation by publically fighting back because that would make you a bully too.
U=Un-friend the Bully: Social media sites give you control over who you allow as a friend and what you allow others to see. Review your privacy settings to be sure only people you choose will have access to your posts and information. If someone you’re virtual friends with begins to bully you, simply un-friend that person. While that may not stop them from talking about you, they won’t have direct access to you. The same is true with email and cell phones. Both allow you to block contact from specific addresses or phone numbers. Again, the bully may still talk about you, but they won’t have direct access to you. If you choose to report a case of bullying to your internet or phone provider, they can also disable or close a bully’s account due to such activity.
S=Start Tracking: If there are certain web sites, text lists, or gaming groups where you are a target of cyber bullying, start tracking that activity. Print it, start a journal, or save it in a folder on your phone or in your email. Be prepared to forward it to a parent or someone else in authority like a teacher, internet provider, or local law enforcement. Be sure to capture specific information including dates, times, witnesses, and the specific conversation or technical location. These details can help when reporting such events. When combined with your saved cyber bullying activity, the evidence will speak for itself.
E=Encourage: If you know someone who is the target of a cyber bully, let them know you are on their side. Maybe you send them a private message, call them, or spend some time with them in person. Tell them that you value their friendship, encourage them in their goals, and make sure you send a clear message that you accept them for who they are. When helping someone who struggles with being bullied, don’t fight their battles for them, instead fight for their friendship.

While it can be argued that cyber bullying is harmless because it’s virtual, the physical and emotional devastation is very real. This fear or heartache is so strong that it results in 20 suicides daily. The personal psychological impact is greater because the bullying is on a much larger stage than the playground or the office. If you or someone you know is being cyber-bullied, I encourage you to seek counseling immediately.

I am so passionate about this topic that I’ve created a 2 hour interactive session called “Bully Free”. I welcome the opportunity to visit your school, company, or local organization to help create a community where bullying is no longer tolerated.

This is the second in a 3 part series about being bullied. I’m not sharing these stories to humiliate nor inspire any bullies. I want to raise awareness about what is really going on in our schools, in the workplace, and on the internet in an effort to reduce bullying in those environments.

In each blog, I’ll identify:
• The different types of bullies
• Steps you can take to minimize the risk of being bullied
• How to overcome the feelings and emotions that result from being bullied

Part 2: THE CORPORATE BULLY

While it’s estimated that 1 in 5 employees are bullied at work, the more discouraging finding is that more than 90% of employees witness some type of bullying in the workplace. Unfortunately, most bystanders choose to remain silent. Most employees who are bullied simply try to avoid future run-ins with the bully. In my experience, there are different types of corporate bullies, so let’s take another painful walk down memory lane.

The Physical Bully
Yes, they still exist in the corporate environment. While the number of incidents has declined over the years, this type of bullying is difficult to stop because it’s usually done where and when no one else can witness it. To make matters worse, the victims are reluctant to come forward for fear of retaliation.

I remember my very first job as a bus boy in a local steak house back in Illinois. The bullying I received from my on-the-job trainer was both verbal and physical. He went out of his way to disrupt my opportunities for success, and insulted me every chance he got. My decision to physically defend myself (yup, I punched him right in front of the salad bar) left me looking for work.

Years later, while working as a computer programmer, I resolved a complex issue by developing some creative code. I stayed late to finish, and as I was wrapping up, my project manager came over and questioned my work. After I explained the process, this manager picked up a thick programming code folder, struck me on the shoulder from behind, and said, “I hope you’re wrong!” Well, turns out “we” were both wrong… in thinking nobody else was in the office. Much to the surprise of that manager, the unknown witness reported the incident to upper management, and they approached me about a week later.

The Social Bully
Yup, even in the corporate environment, the social bully exists. Social bullying is much more common than physical bullying in the workplace. Maybe it’s inappropriate or rude comments, gossip, or social exclusion. No matter the technique, it’s embarrassing when you’re the target, and frustrating when everyone else within range just turns a blind ear.

When I first started working in a corporate office environment, I carried a briefcase. One day as I boarded the elevator, a known social bully decided to have a little fun at my expense. I’ve created a fictitious name to represent her.

BULLINDA: (Loudly, so everyone in the elevator heard her): “Jim, that’s a fancy lunch box. It must hold lots of food”.

While I contemplated a witty reply, I elected to do what so many others before me had done, I remained silent which was easy as the executive filled elevator erupted in laughter.

The Bossy Bully
This is a situation where the bully is actually your boss or project manager. Their emotional weapon of choice can be a public verbal brow beating in front of coworkers or a behind-closed-doors deluge. Either way this is management by intimidation, and it just doesn’t work.

I’m reminded of a technical project meeting. There were a few of us from the local team, and we were joined by team members from around the globe via conference call. We were discussing the overly tight deadline, and all of a sudden, the regional manager just exploded. He made “The Wolf of Wall Street” sound like a children’s book. While he was trying to intimidate us, all he did was trash morale. When the meeting ended, as a coworker and I were walking back to our area, I commented, “I wouldn’t talk to my dog that way… and I don’t even own a dog”.

When bullying in the workplace is allowed to continue, most employees do nothing, but hope they’re not the next target. One of the best ways to minimize your risk of being bullied in the workplace is to SIT (notice… I didn’t say “and do nothing”).
S=Speak Up: Become comfortable talking about what’s happening. You may decide to confront the bully directly or talk with management or HR. Maybe the most comfortable approach would be to meet with the bully and a mediator. While these techniques may feel risky, remaining silent won’t resolve the issue.
I=Involved: Get to know some of your coworkers. Even light casual conversation will help build rapport. Become involved in company committees, philanthropy projects, or even sports teams or social events. The corporate bully won’t bother you because you’ll be too busy and very well known. You can even protect new hires by inviting them to join you in one of your activities.
T=Track bullying: Take the time to document each bullying event. Be sure to capture specific information including dates, times, locations, witnesses, and the specific conversation or physical interaction. These details can help when reporting such events by focusing on a pattern of behavior rather than an opinion regarding personality or social skills.

If you or someone you know has been bullied at work, then you are familiar with the feelings of fear and inadequacy that keep you from doing your job to the level you know you are capable. For some employees, these episodes are so emotional that they consider finding a different job. Even in the most positive of corporate environments, bullying still goes on. As a corporate trainer, I’ve witnessed it, and even been the target of it, in my own classrooms. Keep in mind, the corporate bully’s behavior is usually the result of desire for power and you are simply their punching bag when they feel powerless at work. Find out what their goals and talents are, and help them find ways to use them. This will give them something else to focus on. It will also take the focus off of you, so you can begin to overcome the personal impact of being bullied at work. In addition, there is no shame in seeking professional counseling to regain your focus and confidence.

I am so passionate about this topic that I’ve created a 2 hour interactive session called “Bully Free”. I welcome the opportunity to visit your company, and help create a community where bullying is no longer tolerated.

This is the first in a 3 part series about being bullied. I’m not sharing these stories to humiliate nor inspire any bullies. I want to raise awareness about what is really going on in our schools, in the workplace, and on the internet in an effort to reduce bullying in those environments.

In each blog, I’ll identify:
• The different types of bullies
• Steps you can take to minimize the risk of being bullied
• How to overcome the feelings and emotions that result from being bullied

Part 1: THE CLASSROOM BULLY

The U.S. Department of Justice estimates that 160,000 kids per day will skip school for fear of being bullied. Another report by the Department of Health and Human Services reveals that 1 in 3 students will be bullied before they graduate high school. Currently, bullying in schools starts very early, by second or third grade. In my experience, there are different types of school bullies, so let’s take a painful walk down memory lane.

The Physical Bully
No definition needed here. The reality is that when kids enter kindergarten, they are already getting involved in pushing, punching, slapping, and throwing things… like toys, books, or chairs. As I began to explore this topic, I was shocked to find that sometimes the target of this violent behavior is a school teacher or administrator. However, the favorite target for a bully is a vulnerable student.

I remember being in 5th grade. It was the end of a school day, and a 6th grader made fun of my glasses. I used the one weapon I had, my mouth, to respond. Not a good idea. My insult just fueled his fire. He chased me, tackled me, and started punching me in the face and chest. Thankfully a teacher yelled at him from a distance, and he ran away.

In 6th grade, as I was trying to re-enter the building after lunch, another 6th grader and his “crew” blocked me from getting in the doors. They started hurling insults, and refused to let me by. When I finally verbally replied (yes, with a few ill advised choice words), they didn’t like what I said. I tried to turn away and go to a different entrance, and that’s when the bully grabbed my shoulder, spun me around, and punched me in the face. My glasses went flying in pieces, yet I stayed on my feet. The group pushed me to the ground and ran away.

In 8th grade music class, we studied the movie “Tommy.” That week, while I was walking between classes, some kids started calling me Tommy. You know, “that deaf, dumb, and BLIND kid”? Ironically, my hearing is actually very good, my grades were solid all through school (except for junior year of high school, but hey nobody’s perfect), though I guess they got me on the blind thing. Those words didn’t bother me, it was when they acted like pinball flippers and slammed me into the wall of lockers, yeah, that hurt.

In high school, one bully wanted to show off in front of his friends. He came up behind me and dumped my books (pushed the stack of books from under my arm causing them to fall to the ground). Yeah, no backpacks back then. Well, what this unsuspecting bully didn’t realize was that my football playing twin brother John was not far behind. He grabbed the very surprised bully by the shirt and slammed him against a wall of lockers. Maybe not the best solution, but that bully never bothered me again.

The Social Bully
By third grade, kids are using what I’d like to call social bullying. This is a situation where one student is verbally assaulted in front of a group, or that student is publicly excluded from participating with a group in a game, at a lunch table, or even in the classroom.

One vivid memory of social bullying I experienced was during high school. The school newspaper did a story about me that featured all the things I do, even with my limited vision. One part of the article mentioned that I was a songwriter. Well, during one of my classes, a few students started asking, “Hey Jim, did you write Dr. My Eyes… or Blinded By The Light?” “Do you know Stevie Wonder… or Ray Charles?” I just slumped in my chair, and didn’t say a word. Later, I thought about it, and I could have said, “Yeah, and I also wrote I Can See Clearly Now”.

The Bossy Bully
This is a situation where the actual bully has someone else do their dirty work, so they stay out of the spotlight. While involved in a high school youth group, there was this girl that wanted to date me. I wasn’t comfortable with that, and she called my house numerous times (this was way before cell phones) and threatened me saying that if I came to youth group again, I’d be sorry. John and a few of his friends came with me the next week, just to be safe. All night we looked for her, and she wasn’t there. As we left the building, John and his friends were walking near me. This random girl came up and said my name. As I turned to see who it was, she sprayed my eyes with mace, and said that was a message from “Her”. Miss Mace and her Boss Babe were “asked” not to return to that youth group. However, I decided not to go anymore.

To minimize the risk of being bullied at school, the options have changed over the years. When I was a kid, my Dad used to say, “Find the kid doing all the talking, punch him in the mouth, and his crew will disappear”. Of course, you can’t do that now or you’ll be charged with assault. If things get physical, the law allows you to defend yourself, but if it’s just words, just walk away. I thought a humorous comeback might be good, but I learned in college that may not be the best way to handle the situation either.

One of the best ways to minimize your risk of being bullied at school is to be BIG. B=Behave: Treat teachers and other students with respect, do what you’re asked to do during school, and be where you’re supposed to be. If you see out-of-line behavior, instead of trying to intervene, immediately request the assistance of an adult in authority.
I=Involved: Become involved in school activities, organizations, or sports. Most bullies won’t bother kids who are well known on campus. Also, get to know the new kid on the team, so he or she feels like part of the team.
G=Groups: Stay with a group of students. Most bullies prefer to pick on loners. You can even be helpful by sitting with a loner at a lunch table to lower his or her risk of being bullied.

If you or someone you know has been bullied, then you are familiar with the feelings of fear and inadequacy that keep you from doing things you enjoy. You know the emotions of sadness and depression that can limit your joy. You’re not alone. I’ve been there too. While it may seem difficult, keep in mind that the bully’s behavior is not about you. There is some fear or emotion they are dealing with, and you are simply their coping mechanism. That doesn’t make it right, but it will allow you not to take it personally. In addition, there is no shame in seeking professional counseling to begin the healing process.

I am so passionate about this topic that I’ve created a 2 hour interactive session called “Bully Free”. I welcome the opportunity to visit your school, and help create a community where bullying is no longer tolerated.

For more anti-bullying resources, visit the “Resources & Help” page of the American Society for the Positive Care of Children (A.S.P.C.C.) at http://americanspcc.org/bullying/resources/.

This is the fourth of 4 blogs, each exploring a different element of Special Education.

Part 4: The SPECIAL Child

My Mom and Dad have a poem hanging in their house called “Heaven’s Very Special Child”. It was written by Edna Massimilla in 1956 inspired by her experiences as the parent of a daughter who had severe disabilities. Anne Landers printed it her column in 1978 and requests for copies began pouring in. This poem has since been published on numerous web sites, and while it was originally written for Edna’s daughter, versions have been published for both sexes.

Over the past 3 blogs, I have focused on the SPECIAL buses, teachers, and parents. This poem also focuses on the parents. Yet, Edna’s descriptions of life with a special child also captures the potential for that child. Written nearly 60 years ago, it may be a little blunt (and a little less politically correct than today’s critics might like), but three lines really hit me personally… because I am a special child… all grown up.

“His progress may seem very slow”
Yes, there are things that will take longer for a child, or an adult, with some type of physical, mental, or emotional challenge to complete. For example, I read so slowly that I lose interest. It takes me longer to cook because I need to carefully read, measure, and pour. It takes me extra time to navigate my computer screen because I can never find that darn cursor.

No matter the task, the pace requires extra patience on the part of the parent. It also requires acceptance on the part of the child. Accepting the fact that it may take longer to do things simply means being prepared and planning ahead.

“He may not run or laugh or play”
Yes, there are things a special child may not be able to do. However, I have been blessed with opportunities to run, laugh, and play. For example, growing up, I couldn’t play contact sports like football or basketball, or soccer. Instead, I enjoyed running, bowling, and gymnastics.

I laugh a lot. Laughter has helped me to cope with the reality of my situation. I make fun of myself and my vision more than anyone else ever could. I can’t change it, and that’s the only time you’ll hear me use the word “Can’t”. What choices do I have? I could feel sorry for myself, but that’s not productive, or I could make the best of my situation, and that’s what I choose to do.

I have always enjoyed playing and using my imagination. Every child, with or without special needs, plays differently. Helping them discover what they can do will often come out of play. It’s safe, it’s comfortable, and play brings about unique joy.

“In many ways he won’t adapt, and he’ll be known as handicapped”
Yes, it’s true. There will be areas in life where the special child finds limitations. However, those limitations are only perceived limitations. In every blog, I give examples of how I have needed to adapt.

That’s really the key to being a special child. The ability to adapt allows for success in so many areas. That success may not be what others think it should be, or what others expect or hope for, or what society defines as success, but it is still success. The most dangerous “handicap” of all isn’t a physical, mental, or emotional challenge. No, it’s the lack of willingness to find a way to navigate beyond our perceived limitations. Don’t lower the bar, considering some of us don’t even see the bar. Instead, raise the child… by helping each one discover his or her own unique path to success. I am enjoying my journey as a special child. I thank God for my special parents, and I thank my parents for never giving up on me, and always teaching me to adapt. I also thank Edna for this beautiful poem.

“Heaven’s Very Special Child”
By Edna Massimilla, Copyright 1956

A meeting was held, quite far from earth
“It’s time again for another birth”
Said the Angels to the Lord above,
“This special child will need much love.”

His progress may seem very slow,
Accomplishments he may not show
And he’ll require extra care
From all the folks he meets down there.

He may not run or laugh or play
His thoughts may seem quite far away
In many ways he won’t adapt,
And he’ll be known as handicapped.

So let’s be careful where he’s sent
We want his life to be content
Please, Lord, find the right parents who
Will do this special job for You.

They will not realize right away
The leading role they’re asked to play
But with this child sent from above
Comes stronger faith and richer love.

And soon they’ll know the privilege given
In caring for this gift from Heaven.
Their precious charge, so meek and mild
Is heaven’s very special child.

This is the third of 4 blogs, each exploring a different element of Special Education.

Part 3: The SPECIAL Parents

Here we are, right between Mother’s Day and Father’s day, and what a perfect time to talk about parents. Parenting is a huge commitment. As we grow up, the roles of our parents change. When we’re infants, they care for our every need. As we grow, they begin to set rules, establish boundaries, and teach us about rewards and consequences. The closer we get to adulthood, the wider our own road becomes, and with it – more responsibility. However, the parent will continue to care for the child into adulthood. I don’t think parents ever stop caring about their own children. That alone makes them special. Then, add to the mix, a child with a physical, mental, or emotional challenge, and you will discover the true nature of a Special Parent.

These parents are usually thrown into the role of Special Parents without warning, not by any choice of their own, but by the miracle of the birth of a child who is different. Yes, every child is unique, yet the challenges facing Special Parents are equally as unique. How they handle the situation, care for that child, and prepare that child for adulthood truly earns them the title of Special Parents.

I’ve always been thankful that I’m a twin, a fraternal twin. My brother has perfect vision, so that difference actually helped my parents discover my eye condition very early on. When they were told that I could only see light and shadows, they each handled the news differently. My Mom was very angry and began to question her faith. My Dad insisted that they’d find a doctor who could do something, and thankfully they did. Mixed emotions are common in Special Parents partially because they realize their “Infant” role of parenting may carry on well beyond their child’s early development years, sometimes into adulthood. Of course, that depends on the specific diagnosis of the child.

With successful surgeries on both eyes before I was 3 years old, I had a little more vision than before. My parents were still very protective, but they began to treat me a little more like my siblings. However, when it was time for me to start school, they still sent me to a different school than my twin, so I could get the help I needed. Reflecting on that decision, I hope all parents are willing to seek the help their children really need. Even when I transferred so I could go to school with John, my parents made sure that I still got the special assistance I needed. It’s probably difficult to admit there is something… different about your child, but turning a blind eye (pun intended) to it, won’t change reality.

Even as I got older, my parents still insisted that I follow the same rules, maintain the same respectful behavior, and suffer the same punishment as my siblings. To this day, my Dad still says that he spanked me a little bit harder… just so I’d know the world wasn’t going to cut me any breaks because of my limited vision. Thanks for the warning Dad. You have prepared me well. My Dad worked very hard to provide for our family, and at the same time, instilled a strong work ethic and solid family values.

Of course, my Mom spent many hours learning Braille when I started school because the Special Ed teacher told her that she’d have an easier time communicating with me later in life. My Mom sat at our kitchen table reading my grade school history books into a tape recorder, to make studying easier for me. She went to countless doctors’ appointments, school meetings, and other events to both assist and encourage me. The sacrifices she made… for me… are humbling to say the least.

Both of my parents gave a lot, and gave up a lot, to raise me… and my 3 siblings. The qualifications for such a challenging job are overwhelming. Of course, discovering you have a child with special needs must be equally as overwhelming. When Barb and I lived in Illinois, the couple next door, Mark and Marsha, had a daughter in a wheelchair. Their house even had an elevator to accommodate a more independent living arrangement. Each time we got together, I watched these Special Parents walk through their daily lives… treating their daughter just like their other 4 kids. They reminded me of my own parents, but through different eyes.

When we moved into that neighborhood, we were just becoming parents ourselves. As a parent, my appreciation for the care, the encouragement, and the unconditional love shown by these Special Parents gave me an even clearer picture of my own Special Parents. If you are a Special Parent, let me remind you of the impact you can make. Yes, it may be difficult at times, and you may have doubts about your child’s future. I know my parents did.

In a conversation shortly before Barb and I got married, my Dad shared that he and my Mom weren’t sure if I’d even finish high school or go to college. Well, I graduated from high school, and when I finished college, I graduated with a double major. Thinking back on that conversation, it hit me. While they had doubts, they had never shared them with me. In spite of those doubts, they had an even stronger commitment to helping me succeed, no matter what that might look like.

Care for your child in every way necessary, raise him or her as you would your other children, and love them unconditionally. Don’t give up. Instead of dwelling on their limitations, learn what those limitations are, so you and your child can explore their abilities and discover their opportunities for success. If you are a Special Parent, on behalf of your child, “Thank you for your commitment!”

This is the second of 4 blogs, each exploring a different element of Special Education.

Part 2: The SPECIAL Educators

When you think back on your years in grade school, junior high, or high school, was there one teacher that really made an impact on you? Maybe they gave you creative license to present a project as a talk show rather than a theme paper (My 6th grade English teacher allowed that). Maybe they did crazy things… like walk on the desks and swing across the beams hanging from the ceiling, all while explaining a key concept (My 8th grade history teacher did that). Maybe you were mentored by a teacher or a coach. Maybe you had an experience that led you toward or away from a specific career or field of study.

I suppose, if we really thought about it, we could each say we had at least one special teacher. However, with my limited vision, school was challenging at times. Thankfully, I had two very special teachers, not because of one thing they did, rather because of everything they did. These two women were my Special Education teachers.

When I started Kindergarten, Mrs. Denny was my Special Ed teacher. She helped me to learn Braille. In second grade, when I requested to go to the same school as my twin brother, she agreed to meet me there instead of forcing me to continue at a different school. At the new school, she helped me transition from Braille to large print. In junior high, Mrs. Denny introduced me to a Personal Reading Machine (PRM). A camera is positioned above a movable tray, and whatever is placed on that tray is projected onto a TV or computer monitor. It changed the way I would read, write, and take tests.

Then it was time for high school. We all go through lots of changes in high school, and for me that included a new Special Ed teacher. Ms. Bruner worked with all of the Special Ed students in my high school district. Much like Mrs. Denny, she would travel to each school to work with each student. She helped me discover how to use my very thick glasses, and a magnifying glass to read schoolwork and take tests. That gave me the opportunity to read anywhere, without the need to have a PRM. She helped me learn to cook and how to navigate busy unfamiliar intersections. Ms. Bruner even taught me how to use a cane (yes, the red and white one) in case my high school eye surgeries didn’t go well.

One of my favorite things about Ms. Bruner was that she would occasionally take all of her Special Ed students on a field trip. One particular trip that stands out to me is the cross country skiing outing (Hey, at least it wasn’t downhill… or bobsledding). That field trip could have been a disaster, but Ms. Bruner selected a pretty flat and wide course, so that we beginners had a chance for success. When the path was level, the skis glided across the snow, and we just used the poles for stability. There was a lot more effort required when traveling up hill. The poles were used to pull us along, slowly making progress up the hill. My favorite was the small downhill slopes. What a feeling to just drift down that hill with the poles completely off the ground. Even though it was only for few seconds, it was… incredibly freeing.

It’s been decades since I was in school, and Special Education has changed since then. The scope of special needs has expanded, and that makes the entire environment more challenging. However, my view of Special Ed teachers is clearer than ever. They provide an experience much like that cross country skiing field trip.

Working with Mrs. Denny was a lot like going uphill on cross country skis. While we got along well, there were times when I became very frustrated or angry, not about anything she did, but because I felt like I had to work too hard just keep up, just to stay even with the other kids. Instead of lecturing me, she would simply stop working with me for a day… or a week. I had to figure it out for myself. What Mrs. Denny really taught me was… the amount of effort I needed to put in to my own work. It really didn’t matter what “the other kids” did, she helped me see that I needed to do what I needed to do to be successful.

Working with Ms. Bruner was a lot like the level sections of that cross country skiing course. She helped me to glide along a little more easily by providing different tools and skills to prepare me for a less challenging future. She even helped me get ready for the ACT and SAT exams, so I could apply to college, and even gave me a swift push in the right direction when I doubted my ability to get there.

After high school, I didn’t have a Special Ed teacher – I didn’t need one. Mrs. Denny and Ms. Bruner spent all those years, all that effort, getting me ready to lift those poles. Much like the downhill sections of that cross country skiing course, my sense of freedom and independence is both thrilling and scary all at the same time. It’s scary, thinking about the fact that I might fall. At other times, I have fallen, and while it hurts, I get up, dust myself off, and hold those poles for stability. The freedom to use the tools and techniques these Special Educators have taught me has helped me to navigate a family, a career, and a social life. What makes Special Education teachers so special? While they work so hard on helping in the here and now, the impact of their efforts goes far beyond the classroom, and for that I am very thankful.

Last week, I had the pleasure of attending an elementary school district employee awards ceremony. My wife was receiving her 10 year plaque. She sat with the other recipients in their main floor section, and I sat with the other guests up in the bleachers. During the ceremony, a team of Special Education teachers won an award for excellence in their work. The best part was that they were nominated for it by their peers, the other teachers at their school.

As I listened to the administrator describe that team’s efforts, I was moved – so moved in fact, that I’ve been inspired to write a blog about my own experiences with special education. However, I’ve also realized that there is too much to say in one blog. As a result, I have created a four-part blog called “The SPECIAL … Series”.

This is the first of 4 blogs, each exploring a different element of Special Education.

Part 1: The SPECIAL Bus

When my twin brother and I started school, he walked with our older sister 2 blocks to the elementary school in our neighborhood. I was bussed to a school in a neighboring town. It wasn’t just any bus, no – this was what you might call a “special bus”. Who’s kidding who? That’s what people called it back then, and probably still do today. For all practical purposes, that’s what it is. It’s a bus that carries students with special needs to and from school.

I still remember some of the people who rode the bus with me back then. I may not remember all of their names, but I sure do remember the experience. I rode that bus for two school years – kindergarten and first grade, yet everyone on board left a lasting impression. One student named Bob was probably in 5th grade when I started riding the bus. He seemed so confident, so comfortable, yet he was completely blind. He got on that bus every day with his white and red cane, made his way to his favorite seat, and greeted everyone else on the bus with a hearty “Good Morning”.

Fast forward 45 years. My mom was talking to a woman on her bowling league in Sun City, Arizona, and they shared stories of their sons who are ironically both visually impaired. It turns out that we both had the same special education teacher back in Illinois. Through their conversation, it was discovered that my mom was talking to Bob’s mom. How cool is that!?

They exchanged contact information, and since their conversation, Bob and I have reconnected. While we’ve not seen each other in 45 years (OK, I’ll wait… get the jokes out of your system), we have enjoyed catching up over the phone. To this day Bob maintains a positive attitude. Does he ever have a bad day? Sure, we all do. Does he ever get frustrated? Yeah, everyone does. We each have our own unique challenges, but we find ways to navigate them. For example, though Bob is completely blind, technology has come a long way, so even his computer is easily accessible.

I sat in the top row of the bleachers at my wife’s award ceremony, and I have technology to thank for that. In the past, I’ve used binoculars, but that would look strange in a school gym. I could do that at a football stadium, but not the school gym. I’ve used a monocular, but then I look like I’m at the opera, out of place in the school gym. However, this time I had my video camera with its little display screen. I was going to record the entire ceremony when I realized… I don’t need to. I just need to look like I am. That way, I could zoom in on the speakers and recipients and see all the festivities like everyone else… without looking out of place.

I know I shouldn’t worry about looking out of place, and I really don’t. What bothers me is how some people treat anyone with special needs like they’re… stupid. I may not see well, but you don’t need talk louder or more slowly – I’m visually impaired, not hearing impaired. In my role as a corporate trainer, I’ve even had a participant who walked into the classroom while I was setting up my laptop. She saw me looking very closely at my monitor, and immediately viewed me as “unprofessional because he’s handicapped”.

That kind of attitude is unacceptable! Back when Barb and I had our first apartment in the suburbs of Chicago, I rode a full-sized beige school bus operated by PACE from where we lived to and from the train station each day. I’d been riding the bus for a couple of years, and got along well with the other passengers. One afternoon, an unsuspecting man in a business suit carrying a briefcase approached the door of the bus. I typically sat in the front seat on the door side, so I could more easily notice when we were approaching my stop. This stranger gently pokes his head in and hesitantly asks the driver, “Is this a … special bus?”

I was in a jovial mood that afternoon, so I immediately replied, with a lisp for effect, “It thurtanly iz. Climb aboard – there’z plenty of room for all!” Everyone on the bus laughed, and then the driver informed the business man of which PACE route we were. I felt badly for my behavior later. I mean, the bus did look different, so I guess I could understand the confused commuter’s question.

Isn’t that how society is though? If someone looks different, or speaks differently, or believes different things, or has some kind of physical challenge, some people just don’t know how to treat them. That perception becomes its own limitation. When I was a kid headed to grade school on that “special bus”, do you know who really impacted me the most? It wasn’t any of the other kids, it was the driver. No matter how she had to assist any one of us on that bus, she always treated us with respect. To this day, when people ask me how to treat a person with special needs, my reply is simple – like a person.

When I was in 7th grade, I joined the cross country team at Cooper Junior High School. While there were 15 of us on the team, only the top 7 runners were given the privilege of wearing “spikes” during our meets. These were running shoes with small spikes under the bottoms of the souls for better traction on grass. Before the first meet, we had a team race to determine the order of running strength among our members. I held the distinction of finishing 15th – no “spikes” for me.

During our first meet I ran my little seventh grade tail off, but it just wasn’t enough to win, or place in the top seven from our team, or cross the finish line before any runner from any of the three schools at the meet. I was the last runner to cross the finish line from all 3 schools combined. I didn’t mind being last. I was more upset that I wouldn’t get to wear “spikes” next time either. Our coach made a rule that the top seven finishers from our team during each meet would get to wear “spikes” during the next meet.

After our first meet, I was still ranked 15th on our team. I didn’t need to be first, but I didn’t want to be last either. I just wanted the chance to wear “spikes” for one meet. At our second meet, I made it my goal to finish ahead of at least one of my team mates, and I did. As the season went on, I was dedicated to practice, and gave my all during the meets. I slowly climbed up from the 15th ranked runner all the way to 9th. Unfortunately, we only had one more meet.

As I competed in that last meet, I had two options. My first option was to settle for where I was because I wasn’t going to get to wear “spikes” anyway as this was our last meet. My second option was to run like there would be another meet, and I might have the chance to finally wear “spikes”. I may not always win, and as a runner, I never had, so giving up would have been easier. Instead, I competed in an effort to wear those “spikes”. As the race wore on, I was holding on the best I could. My plan was, if I could see another runner from my team in front of me, I was going to pass them one runner at a time. I had passed lots of my teammates, and runners from the other teams too. I had tried to keep count off my team mates, and in the last 1/4 mile I was 8th on my team. I looked for one more gold jersey, and I finally saw it. I started running as fast as my remaining energy would allow. As we were approaching the Chute (two sets of flag filled ropes that funneled the runners into the home stretch), I burst past one more gold jersey and completed the race as the 7th place runner from our school.

I was thrilled! If we had another meet, I’d finally get to wear those “spikes”. I was also kind of bummed that no one else on my team seemed to really care. After all, we had just completed the last race of the season. No more “spikes”, no more meets, and no more practices. We would enjoy the fall sports banquet, and that would close the door on Cross Country season. My family joined me at the banquet. We had dinner and watched as the top athletes received their awards for outstanding performance, fastest mile, and team captain. I, along with every other first-time athlete, received a letter, a gold “C” on which to place pins for participation in future school activities. Some 8th graders received pins for their participation because they already had a “Letter” from participation in another school sport or activity.

As the last award was being brought to the podium, the coach explained that this was a unique award. It was going to one member of the cross the country team who demonstrated outstanding effort and reminded this team to celebrate victory and grow in defeat. Over the microphone, I heard the coach say, “The award for INSPIRATION goes to…” Then he said my name.

As I walked up to accept my award, all kinds of thoughts were running through my mind. I thought nobody really cared, that no one even noticed, but I was wrong. To this day, I have that trophy on my dresser. There is a gold runner on a wood base. The gold plate on the front simply says “INSPIRATION”. While junior high was decades ago, I keep that trophy dust-free and displayed because, for me, it’s not a childhood memory. Rather, it’s a reminder that people are watching me, even when I don’t realize it. The choices and decisions I make, the way I treat my family and friends, my business behavior, and even how I interact with people I’ve never met before.

Strength isn’t about the physical ability to hoist a trophy over your head in victory. Instead, true strength is about character. Abraham Lincoln said, “Character is like a tree, and reputation like a shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing”.

How real are you? I’m not suggesting we value ourselves by what others think of us as that shadow will change over time, I have learned that maintaining one’s character even during difficult or challenging times helps each of us to become who we really are. You may not feel like it sometimes, but we each have opportunities to inspire other people. It’s OK to celebrate when things go well, that doesn’t make you arrogant. It’s also fine to be disappointed when things don’t go well, that doesn’t make you a sore loser. The way we handle life’s successes and challenges requires great strength… of character.

Growing up, I never played contact sports, unless you count being beat up by the bullies after school. I hoped it would stop by the time I got to High School, but it didn’t. It actually got worse because the bullying happened before, during, and after school. I think some of those guys lettered in… bullying me. Maybe college would be better, and it was, after my first semester.

My roommate freshman year was a guy I met at orientation. He seemed like a nice guy, until you take him away from his mother, and add a bunch of other guys who are experiencing all kinds of freedom for the first time. Add to that the bully down the hall, let’s call him Brad (because I went to Bradley University), and my first semester went from Brad to worse in a hurry. They’d hide my shoes, take my food, and verbally harass me on a regular basis. I actually participated in the very first “Ice Bucket Challenge” when Brad took a 50 gallon restroom garbage can filled with ice, and poured it over me from the next stall while I was in the shower.

All of this abuse continued for almost an entire semester. The straw that broke the camel’s back (ok, it didn’t break the camel’s back. It actually broke my collar bone, fractured my shoulder blade, and dislocated my shoulder) was about a week before finals. I had returned from being out with some friends, and a bunch of guys from my floor were socializing in the room next door with the door wide open. I leaned in just to say hi. The shirt I was wearing had two buzzards on it, and one is saying to the other, “Patience my butt (edited to be family friendly), I’m going to kill something – The Boss”.

No, this was not a gift from Bruce Springsteen. It was actually an old shirt that my Dad didn’t wear anymore, so he gave it to me. I’m sharing the following conversation to show you how stupidly out of hand things can get in a very short time.

BRAD: “Hey, Jim. You think you’re all cool wearing that shirt?” (laughing) “The Boss – my butt!” (again edited to be family friendly)

ME: “Well, at least I don’t think I’m the Tae Kwon Do king.”

Seriously, that’s exactly what I said. Brad, my roommate, and some other guys on our floor were taking a weekly Tae Kwon Do class, and constantly bragging about what they could do. On that particular evening, Brad had … bratttude – that’s Brad with some freedom induced attitude. After my comment, I silently walked away. As I’m putting my key in my door, Brad comes up behind me, grabs me, picks me up, and throws me against the brick wall across from my door. As I’m heading for the wall, I turn as not to hit it face first (hey, I may face plant on the pavement, but not brick walls… see blogs 2 and 3 of this series for those references). Instead, I hit it with my left shoulder.

As I slid painfully to a sitting position against the wall, Brad walked away cursing and colorfully explaining what he thought of me. The other guys … just laughed. To this day, I am thankful for two guys on that dorm floor who kept kind of quiet, but always treated me well. Nick and Mike – and to this day, they are the only two people from college that I stayed friends with all four years, and still talk to today.

Hearing the commotion, Nick came down the hall. Seeing me on the floor, he asked about what happened and how I was feeling. Unable to move my left arm, he offered to drive me to the hospital. He spent hours there with me, and after exams and bandaging, we headed back to campus. The next day, I had a meeting with the Assistant Dean of Students to report what had happened. He made sure I was moved to a different floor, and then he presented me with two options:
1=Have Brad permanently expelled.
OR
2=Issue a restraining order against Brad, and if it were violated, he would be permanently expelled.

Option 1 seemed a little too drastic, and I didn’t want to ruin his college career over one bad decision. Besides if one comment made him that violently angry, how would he handle being expelled? After careful consideration, I selected option 2. That was really the safer option for me because he couldn’t bother me anymore, at least not for the remainder of our four years at college.

Fast forward to second semester senior year. I was walking through the social center, and I see Brad walking up to me. He stops in front of me, and extends his hand to shake mine. As I hesitantly extend my hand he says, “Jim, I just want to thank you for not having me expelled freshman year. I’ve done pretty well. I have a good job lined up, and … well… thanks for what you did”.

I shook his hand, told him I was happy for him, and walked away. What I didn’t tell him was that I was thankful for what he did. Not necessarily for the trip to the hospital, but for helping me to learn Tae Kwon Do. During freshman year, after my shoulder healed, I enrolled in that Tae Kwon Do class because I wanted to learn to defend myself with something other than my mouth – because that hadn’t worked out so well over the years. I’ve only had to use what I’ve learned twice during college, and not again since. Both times I walked away unharmed.

When I think of control, I think of the martial arts. There is such a balance between power and restraint when practicing each technique. Have you heard the term “pulling punches”? This is where you exert all of your energy to throw the punch, yet you stop just short of your target or short enough to only tap it.

In life, we need to balance our communication in the same way. Our words have power, yet we must use them with restraint. While we always want to be completely honest, sometimes we need to do it gently. There will be times when someone is rude to you, or doesn’t treat you well. In those moments, I try to act rather than to react. In other words, I strive to make a decision about how to handle a situation with self-control, rather than allowing myself to get out of control. I’m working on it, but I’m not sure any of us ever masters the art of communication.

Tae Kwon Do translates to “The way of the hand and foot”. I need to make sure I use enough self-control to put my HAND over my mouth – before I put my FOOT in it. While that’s not the exact intent of the translation, it works for me. Sometimes we need to “pull” our verbal punches. We can be honest without being rude. How are you doing with your verbal communication? Grasshopper, maybe it’s time to balance your verbal control through my interpretation of Tae Kwon Do.